11/1/2022 this week I once again had the privilege of teaching my favorite university lecture at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. I’ve been teaching there for over 10 years and one of the things I find interesting is what questions have changed and what questions have remained the same over these years. One question that has consistently been coming up in class is whether or not it is OK to change one’s mind once consent has been given. My answer to this question that is typically asked by a female is you have the right to change your mind at any time. Consent can be given and withdrawn at any time. Consent is not a promise consent is not a contract consent is like a river and as it flows it must be navigated responsibly and with knowledge and understanding. The understanding that matters most here is that your play partners are human beings and they’re going to explore and when they explore they’re going to grow and when they grow they might just change their mind and that’s OK. In response to last weeks in class question I wanted to re-post this article on consent that first appeared on my now defunct Patreon enjoy
CONSENT IS LIKE A RIVER
Consent*
Consent* flows like a river. Fluid and ongoing the boundaries of the river bank give shape to the waters and the natural geography of the surrounding area gives it form. Bends in the river obscure the path temporarily and then unfold to reveal new and stunning vistas. There are boulders to navigate and climate to contend with before you reach the end of the journey.
The first step in your journey begins at home. Intimate exploration is an experience that relies on self knowledge. Spend time in self reflection alone with a friend or a therapeutic professional and develop an idea of what you're seeking and more importantly what you are not seeking. Learn to lean into the uncomfortable space that is discussing desire before you have to navigate an intimate negotiation.
Negotiation is the next step in your erotic adventure. Connect with the partners you want to explore with and pick your destination. Once you have a destination choose the path most suitable for all players to get there in a safe and satisfying manner. Once you know the path your journey intends to follow you can begin selecting the supplies and gear you will need for a successful journey.
THE NATURE OF CONSENT*
When I sat down two days ago to write about consent* it was by far not the first time. I discuss this topic in each of my undergraduate lectures. However, I was reminded once again of what I always discover about consent* when I stop to deliberately consider it - it is slippery. It is fluid. It is ongoing. It grows legs and gets out from under you fast. It’s interwoven with negotiation and communication, two topics that are already big enough they occupy their own spheres in the art of interpersonal dynamics.
Consent* is unique in that it is actually easier to practice than it is to imagine because what consent* requires is context. Context is two or more players, their likes and dislikes and a time and place to discuss and engage. Because of this contextual quality of consent*, what consent* looks like in action can be understood and this is very helpful.
Consent* is enthusiastic. Consent* with an asterisks - like this:
Consent*
The * stands for enthusiastic. Enthusiastic consent* means there is no ambivalence or assumptions by any party. When consent* is achieved it is obvious. If there is any question about whether or not consent* has been given, then it has not been given. Other players must be willing to ask follow up questions and relinquish their agenda if their requests are denied. Players being asked must be willing to disappoint others and hold their own needs and boundaries firm in their focus. There is no room for blame or accusations in consent*, only disappointment. It is human to be disappointed but that is no human's fault. Everyone has a right to three things - to say yes, to say no and to change their mind.
THE THREE STAGES OF CONSENT*
· Preparedness - solo work
· Navigating - dialogue
· After care - loved ones
STEP ONE - PREPAREDNESS
You can be lucky in love because there will be opportunity. Therefore, the key to intimacy is preparedness, not chasing down potential playdates. The more prepared someone is to discuss their interests the more likely the consent* experience will be successful when it does occur despite its fluid nature.
Boundaries are important. They are how we let people know what we need. Boundaries are essential to negotiation. Explore, discover and know your boundaries so you can negotiate. Boundaries are different then edges. Edges are what we discover during play, boundaries are what we know we need in order to feel secure enough to engage in play with another.
STEP TWO - THE DIALOGUE
At its most basic consent* is a dialogue. The dialogue is ongoing and does not take a linear path. The first part of the dialogue is negotiation. Negotiation is a process that helps the two parties establish interest, compatibility, and availability. Flirting is a useful tool for negotiation. It sets both parties at ease and creates a friendly atmosphere to begin discussing ideas together. Negotiations need to happen in person before actual play, even if the dialogue begins online. It’s important to follow up with a play partner after the agreement has been reached to secure the terms. Checking in with a partner is a way to demonstrate care and determine final arrangements.
Consent* is the goal. Negotiation is the way. Negotiation is the first part of the ongoing dialogue that is consent*. Consent* can be withdrawn at anytime because people change their minds and often erotic experiences are much different in real time than we can previously imagine. A safeword is the tool used to adjust previously negotiated standards of play. Once boundaries and a plan are established the dialogue shifts from discovery to maintenance and if necessary, a redirect. During the dialogue, solution focused. Collaboration is key.
In the event that a redirect is necessary the partner who is withdrawing consent* must be willing to disappoint the other player(s). The other players once they are made aware of the change must avoid blame or shame but disappointment is normal. Feelings can be felt, but they are not directives for action. Actions must be based on the principles of the moment like safety, communication, pleasure and exchange.
BUMPS IN THE ROAD, BENDS IN THE RIVER
Consent* is slippery so the dialogue must be fluid because partners can withdraw consent* or adjust their terms at any point. Feelings can change in the moment. This is not unusual. It’s helpful to embrace changes in your preference as part of the discovery period and not some type of failure. It’s important to be willing to communicate these changes to your partner. It’s necessary to put yourself first at all times when negotiating and engaging because it prevents a lot of misunderstandings when we focus on what we want and communicate it accurately rather than concern ourselves first with what we perceive the other person may be feeling. The key is to listen to your partner and not assume, because we don’t know unless we ask or are told and again consent* is fluid and changes over time, often in the moment. What you don’t like is just as important as what you do like and often the only way to determine this might be to experience it personally with a capable and willing partner. A suitable partner is one who is joining you for a discovering experience, not an agenda. In more established partnerships this dynamic is often more subtle or grows absent as partners gain familiarity with one another. However, it’s important to not let a dynamic grow stale or outdated because needs and desires shift over time. Renegotiating consent* in established dynamics is not only necessary, but also useful for regaining a new sense of interest in engaging your partner. When negotiating needs to be adjusted it’s very helpful to slow down the dialogue and take things in small pieces. Vulnerability is the gateway to desire and an important component of intimacy. It is also very misunderstood, and most people are conditioned to view vulnerability as unsafe and therefore undesirable. Learning to navigate vulnerability is a basic function of intimacy.
STEP THREE - AFTER CARE
What did you learn on your journey? About your likes and dislikes? What valuable, hot and sexy information did you walk away with that you know you want to apply at a future date? What did you learn about yourself that made you reconsider what you thought you wanted? Tell your friend, tell your therapist, tell your journal and most importantly tell your play partners who went on the journey with you. Then reevaluate based on your individual reaction to the experience. Allow time for clarification and an apology if necessary. If someone violates a previously discussed boundary, never play with them again. They are not dominant, they are a violator and it was a test of how much abuse you are willing to accept from them. If lines of communication or expectations lacked some kind of clarity allow for that as part of a normal human interaction and strive for better understanding in your next adventure together. Discover. Experience. Learn. Grow. Collaborate. Get pleasure.
